The Importance of Cynicism

I’ve decided to open this blog entry with a list of synonyms for “cynical,” in the adjective form, going from short and simple to long and then to unnecessarily, annoyingly long.

Cynical. Caustic. Ironic. Sarcastic. Sardonic. Critical. Satirical. Dark-humored. Sharp-witted. Lightly acerbic. Mean in a funny way. Funny at others’ expenses. Comical in a way that causes only one person in the room to laugh and draws glares from everyone else.

As a copy editor, I realize the importance of being cynical.

It might seem like a strange topic, but think about it. How many copy editors do you know who are cute and cuddly? None? OF COURSE NONE! If — by some cataclysmic error — there is a copy editor out there who can form a smile that stretches to both corners of the mouth out of any thoughts other than those of pure scorn, it won’t be long before they, too, are reduced to beings of poor posture and comical malcontent. It is one of the fundamental laws of nature that all copy editors should be offensive and disgusting people, and today — purely because I feel like it — I’m going to tell you why.

The first reason is because no one gets our jokes. We spend our whole day correcting grammatical errors that most people either wouldn’t notice or wouldn’t care to notice because of the insignificance of said errors. Occasionally, we are driven to make a snide comment about a writer’s stupid mistakes. Sadly, if there are no other copy editors in the room (which is likely because none of us likes the others), no one else will see the irony of our comments, and we will have to laugh out loud just to convince ourselves that what we said was actually funny (which it probably was not). After a while, we have to laugh louder and louder to truly convince ourselves of our comic own ability; and the result is one person laughing maniacally in a room while everyone else shoots them the kind of look normally reserved for insane people.

Another reason is probably the fact that reading and rereading articles long into the night is kind of like standing in line all day. You have to talk yourself into thinking it’s worth it, and eventually you forget why you’re standing there anyway. Then your editor comes up and reminds you and cuts you in line, taunting you while she does it. Some people really love copy editing and/or waiting in line, but generally no one wants to be around those people because they’re offensive and disgusting.

The next reason is because it’s just fun to be mean. You might see a copy editor laugh when you look at him or her, and then you might think, “Did that copy editor just laugh at me?” and you’ll continue to ask yourself that same question all day. The only time, in fact, you won’t be worried that the copy editor might be making fun behind your back is when you turn around and they flat out tell you, “Yes. I am making fun of you.” See how fun it is? If you answered, “Yes,” congratulations — you’re a copy editor (or probably just a jerk).

I actually don’t really know the reason copy editors are so sardonic. It’s probably the same reason the sky is blue — something science-y like that. I’ll just tell you this, blog-reader: if you had to read and correct your writing, then write a headline for it, then take the fall if there was something wrong with it after its publication, you’d be a sarcastic jerk too.

I hate you.