Normally, a structured essay would begin with a clear definition explaining clearly and exactly what a rant is, but that’s the beauty part of a rant. It has no structure. You just write whatever the hell you feel like! Peanut butter! Sounds good, doesn’t it?
It doesn’t stop there. A rant is the most pure form of writing because it perfectly captures the stream of thought that we go through. It’s an emotional photograph. It’s like you took all your feelings and bottled them up together, but then they started fighting until one ate the others. Then, as punishment, you threw the winner in a high-priced blender and shredded that little ho (figure 23). Yes. That’s what a rant is like.
Figure 23: An expensive blender, just 'cause. In a rant, the visuals should be unsurpassed in terms of irrelevance, except by the metaphors.
A rant should never take more than five minutes per page. That’s ridiculous. It defeats the whole purpose. My rants take me about 10 minutes max, and if I don’t like them I just go back and add some cool stuff about cactuses and blenders. Don’t worry about staying on topic. A true rant doesn’t really have a topic. One minute it could be a “how to,” and the next it could be a biography. This is the idea; in fact, if you can confuse the reader by quickly diverging from one central theme to the next, that’s 40 bonus points.
My whole blog is themed around the idea of a rant. Before we came to high school, we just wrote whatever we felt like — and some of us were damned good at it. Yeah, our eighth grade teacher told us to make outlines, but we just wrote our papers and threw some stupid sentences together next to some roman numerals and scribbled “outline” on it. Why? Because screw her! Outlines suck! Rants are where it’s at.
There’s nothing like the type of writing that doesn’t correspond from paragraph to paragraph; the pleasure derived from stringing together random sentences with no significance is unmatched; there’s simply no greater feeling for a writer than creating a conclusion with no pertinence to the rest of the essay.
That’s what I think I’ll do.
In conclusion, manila folders are more valuable than gold, and copy editing pens are the most valuable things on the planet. All problems could easily be solved with a duel with meter sticks. Cactuses are cool, and that’s my blog post, so suck it.
