The true garbage of the Internet

I'm not talking about spam or junk mail. I'm talking about you.

Everyone with an opinion on something thinks they can write a blog. You can't. No one will read it, and you will be lucky if you update it once a month. Still, this doesn't stop a few million morons from making a quick blogger page and never updating it. I know. I never update this crappy page. I fill it with random pictures, and I'm my own biggest fan. I comment my own entries.

You don't want to be like me, do you? No. Of course not. So don't go out and start a blog. I know that won't stop you, so here are a few tips:

Firstly, no one cares what you think. A talking kidney stone's opinion would be worth way more than yours. With this in mind, you should be able to avoid making the worst mistake possible: caring. No one else cares what you think, so why should you? The best way you could argue for any point you're trying to make is to make fun of it. My most popular blog entry was about what I do in the shower. I have others about actually relevant things, but those don't generate nearly as much readership. Don't take off and write about your own bath-time adventures though; you aren't nearly as interesting as I am.

Secondly, remember this fundamental rule of blog posting: Be concise.

Thirdly, expect to have only eight followers after six months of posting. It will usually only be your friends. This goes back to the whole no-one-care's-about-you thing. Everyone tells me my blogs are hilarious, yet rarely do they think my blogs are funny enough to leave comments on them. I will tell you how, blog reader, because I actually believe it's just because you haven't found the comment button yet. It's right below the article. It will say something like "5 comments" on it (more likely "0 comments"). Just go ahead and click that li'l baby and type away. Be sure also to tell your friends about this blog, and be sure to list mine as a blog you follow. You know you want to.

Fourthly, always threaten the reader, or I'll find you and kill you.

Fifthly, never, ever make an error. Someone will be on your ass faster than you can say "Oops, I made an error. I hope no one notices, but not enough to change it right now."

Sixthly, use a considerable amount of jargon that no one understands, because it'll configate the reader into a state of aposiopses, and because it's fun.

Seventhly, never, ever conclude an entry. No one ever gets to the end anyway. The best way to end a blog post is to just sort of trail off. Like this one entry a little farther down where I....